Sam's Private Thoughts

The private thoughts of one among millions.

About Me

The point of this blog is anonymity.  But no one will read it (or understand it) unless they know a little about me.  Here are some fast facts:

  • I am married to my high school sweetheart and he still gives me butterflies.  He also irritates the shit out of me on the regular.  I figure that’s typical of a healthy relationship.
  • I am flirting with 30 and still have zero direction in my life.  I have  a Bachelor’s degree, but I am working at a minimum wage, seasonal job I enjoy because . . . well, because I can.
  • My hubby makes decent money at his job, so I don’t really have to work.  I hate this fact.
  • I grew up poor – like, lived on welfare, a wing, and a prayer poor – for much of my childhood.  I still have zero money skills and tend to hoard money and then splurge on randomly weird shit.
  • College was the only time in my life when I had to make ends meet all by myself.  I was awesome at it, and was a master at the art of managing money.  I lived frugally, but happily.  Then, I married my hubby (who we’ll call Darrin) and all of that went out the window.
  • We have a two-year-old who is, without a doubt, my favorite person in the entire world.  I also hate him sometimes for interrupting my world and tying me down.  Even though he was planned.  I feel enormous amounts of guilt about this fact.  I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve wished he had an off button.  Or that I could kennel him like a pet.
  • I have an incredibly hard time connecting with people.  Mostly because I’m not good at remembering the random details of people’s lives that makes them feel like you care.  Sometimes, I can care very deeply and still not remember.  Other times, I really, really just don’t find it important to know anything about anyone else.
  • I do, however, want people to listen to every second of my life story for some reason.  I just don’t expect them to remember any of it.
  • Social graces are bunk.
  • I have an unhealthy habit of speaking my mind which has led to millions of interesting issues throughout my life.  I’ve learned to zip it, but it makes me crazy.  Thus, the reason for this, my secretive hidden blog.  There will be no censoring here.
  • My name is not Sam.  Nor is it any variation on the theme.  It is based on the old TV show “Bewitched” which I discovered on Nick-at-Nite as a kid. I used to wish I could be like Samantha and fix things with a twitch of my nose.  I still like to imagine that.
  • I have a ridiculously vivid imagination, and therefore half-believe in the unbelievable.
  • I was also raised by a skeptic, and doubt assails everything I see and do.
  • My father is a worthless, lazy jackass who takes advantage o f the system in order to avoid working.  I still love him, and cannot seem to cut him out of my life, regardless of the number of times he brings me to full-out tears each week.
  • I am petrified of becoming my father.
  • My mother was super-mom in a lot of ways, and managed to juggle career, schooling, and kids like it was easy.  She also has a temper and used to whale on us with a belt when she thought we were lying.  Or just when we pissed her off.  It wasn’t abuse, really, but it definitely bordered on it at times.
  • I refuse to become my mother.  Therefore, I squash all anger down inside until I am overwhelmed and then I go on crying sprees and throw things.  I only do this when I am completely alone.
  • I am incredibly insecure, and yet, I also am incredibly lenient with myself about my faults.
  • I’m realizing more and more that I never should have been allowed to be a mother.  I don’t have the maturity or the selflessness for it.
  • I want another child so incredibly badly that I allow myself to ignore the last fact.
  • For two years and four months, I knew that my son (we’ll call him Jack) would be an only child.  He’s an incredibly difficult child, and I could never handle another.  He’s now two years and eight months and we are planning another child within the next year.  I haven’t told anyone, and I plan to lie about it when we do get pregnant and claim it was a ‘surprise’.
  • If this next child is another wild boy like Jack, I may run away from home and never return.  I am about three-quarters serious.
  • I feel gypped by a system that told me for years that I could be anything I wanted to be, and then tossed me into the real world without the proper tools to achieve those dreams.
  • Both of my parents (and many of my friends and family) are staunch conservatives.  I am a moderate-liberal with socialist leanings.  In fact, in an ideal world, I would live in a commune and ignore the existence of an outside world.
  • I don’t care about global warming, or the extinction of cute fuzzy-wuzzies.  I’m only here for a short time and none of that stuff is going to affect my life directly.  Besides, there are plenty of people out there working on it that I can stick my head in the sand and ignore it.
  • That being said, my practical, poverty-stuck side recycles EVERYthing, because it would be wasteful to do otherwise.  And when you’re poor, you waste nothing.
  • I want a maid.  Even though I have more than enough time and ability to clean my own house.  I just don’t want to.
  • When I say things like the above, I feel like an over-privileged, spoiled brat.  And maybe I am.  I don’t like it, but it is the truth.
  • I hate “turning the other cheek” and only do so to save time.  I’m not-so-secretly hoping that someone reads this blog and leaves nasty comments so I can say all of the horrible things I’ve bottled up for so long.

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This entry was posted on May 7, 2012 by and tagged , , , , , , , .
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